I can't really control the way i feel. I'm so mesmerised by the bursting of thoughts flying thru my head that its hard to think straight. Or talk right. You arent often on my mind...More like i can't really stop thinking about you. I wish i could show u my heart.

Bad timing.

The clock is runing forward and time is late again

i keep on wishfull thinking as you are next to me

But when i try to reach you keep escaping this.

You're calling for tomorrow

I answered yeterday.

We're going round in circles 

Yet never end in place

For fear of falling harder and way over our heels

Its shame to keep on looking so far from where we'll be

For now its laughs and giggles to warm us in this night

Till sun comes up to tear us and our dream apart.

Run away heart!
never needed your help.
Uve been numb for a reason
Always kept to yourself

Go as far as wind takes you
And see if i care
Youre more stranger then strangers
Living light years away

You cant feel and you know it
Why u try to pretend?
With another fake promise
Of a sweet never end?

Least ill find peace
With you gone from my life
I wont worry for nothing
With u out of my sight.

Either go or be dead
Here ive counted your days
Youll be left out of breath
If you keep with my ways.

What will you find when you're not even looking?
You've been waiting on peace
Though you know it aint coming.
You're not born to be free
When you're chained to surroundings.

Have you ever felt black?
Like you're one with the night?
Screamed to heaven or hell with no sound from your mouth
with no hope in your mind and your eyes with no light?

Standing on the edge of nothing

Looking down into this pit of darkness

The mirror of myself.

I see the sun in everything, the life i love,

The joy of people who suround me, 

I care for each and everything.

Its only one to leave a shadow

Of hatred steaming from inside

One only lost into this mirror

I love it all but hate myself.

Se opreste timpul cand asculti povestea unui zambet,
o mie de cuvinte nespuse sunt
In umbrele privirii care te arde incet
Esti orb esti surd esti mut.

Mai strigi o data vantul sa duca catre soare
Un stop de nebunie sa nu mai poti gandi
Cand tu esti luna si cauti noapte
Dar tot in umbre de lumina vrei sa fi

Iti lasi din nou privirea alunecand spre soare
Si calci pe constiinta, nu te mai poti opri
Cum sa spui stop cand totul e culoare
Peste alb negrul vesnic in care ai trait.

I've always spoke my mind but my heart was always a different thing so i write about what i feel. I still havent met someone like myself so that makes me feel weird and outcast. This is me:
There are moments in life when something clicks on different levels, moments that make a difference, moment that become long lasting memories. Even if i realise we just know each other just a little meeting you became for me one of those moments. I think i can call it a crush. I liked you.
Everybody has been through some shit at one point in their life and i've changed because of that. I dont know why but with you the bad went away, you made me feel at ease, a serenity i forgot i felt at some point, when young and careless.
You have been on my mind often, more then you should have been. I'm not hoping anything, i know how you feel and i was ok with the idea. At least with what i had in mind. We werent on the same level. I dont want a relationship cause i aint ready for one. I've always jumped from one to another with no good endings, so fun was a pleasant idea. But i am not on call. Thats how i feel now, like a free call girl. So fun for me wasnt about sex. From this type of "friends with benefits" i want the first too, not just the second. And i expect things from my friends, maybe i cant choose who i like on a romantic level but the friends i can pick with my head.
I think i bored you already so i'm finishing this: i am not ok with the current situation, i deleted your number so that i wont be tempted to contact you and feel awkward after since you dont even text a hello on your own. I'd rather just stop any connection now then do this to end up hurt, cause i know i will.

When its easy to hear silence filing the space
And the time freezes over
You can hear your heart beating its way out of place
and you dream on forever.

He cant see your soul screaming
you cant talk you cant move
and your voice,slowly dying,
Keeps inside all the truth.

Can you stop breathing harder?
Would you give your last breath?
Just for him to be under
and all over your space?

Let him be on his way, Let him go, you keep still
you cant move from your past
you can wish you can feel
All the same for some reason
nothing ever feels real.

Neverland

I'm searching a lost boy thru space and thru time,

Far away love i keep reaching to hide

he's my sorrow and pain all across neverland

he'll be peace,he'll be joy if i give him a chance

i am calling my lost boy, his head turns when i scream

Hands are pulling together from me and from him

Neverland is between us pushing farther away

lost boy wishes on stars he could stay.

let us be, let us love, let us find hapiness.

She s the girl with the broken smile

she found the boy life was trying to hide.

Holding on!

Time flew away and i couldnt catch it.
I dropped tears on a row with regret
and the road seemed so long.
I could have stopped for a while but my legs just kept walking...
i guess i keep holding on.
If my mind is kept busy i cant think of it all, but my thoughts keep recurring to a blue demon soul.
Can the rain wash me over in a new set of hopes?
With my clothes soaked in dreams and in wishes of all?
I'm denying my feelings and i keep saying no,
but my heart is a wisper into love thats not whole.
Dont remind me of perfect
Dont repeat hapiness
You cant see what i'm made of
You dont ask, never did:
Broken dreams in a glass shell when
I lived in a bubble, with my soul deep asleep.
Now my eyes are wide open and my mind is in need
you keep turning and burning all my peace, all of me
Turn the clock back to nothing, how i wish i could be
back in time, back to reason,back to when we first met
With the knowledge in whispers for the future is set
oh, i'm sure i'd erase everything from my heart
all the anguish and sorrow, bittersweet is the truth
This is just plain denial cause i wouldnt see it thru
i will take all the bad for one hope i am done

i keep falling in nothing but i keep holding on!

Good bye soul!

I will remember you for who you were in my eyes. A beatifull dream i've long forgotten. This is the goodbye of my hopes even if we might still meet and we might still find each other.
This is the final goodbye of my dreams that flew away so high so fast you werent ready for them. I'm starting new when it comes to you. When you will finally see me for who i really am it could be too late but i cant wait on the edge of my heart. Its to hard and the end isnt promising.
But i will remember you, my blue eyes demon, for what its worth the numbered days you kept my mind busy were grand!

Time does the trick.

I keep wanting to remember every detail about you. But every minute that goes by clounds my memories. I cant stop wishing for that happy ever after and its been so long since ive tought about it.


Fortune teller said : "Dream forever more!"
In my dreams she always seem to be so sure.
"Love aint nothing simple, part of it its pain!"
Tarrot dreaming bound me, all feels like a game.
Hope that makes me weaker as the time goes by,
Never been inlove, never even tried!

Fortune teller caught me deep under her spell,
Her crystal shines like diamonds, fake the future tells.
I keep searching freedom in the darkest night,
Crystal sucks my love and holds it inside
Bottles up my feelings, never been inlove.

Waiting for the morning, sun can set me free,
Maybe light can bring him, he can rescue me!
Maybe with a kiss i'll have my fairytail,
Tell the fortune teller she can go to hell!
Future please come fast, i've been saving love,
For my one and only to fall inlove just once!

Gone with the wind!

I had a feeling... my guts were telling me he'd stand me up with that coffee. Oh, well, guess i'm heading home. No, wait, he texted to go over to his place. Like hell! Or not? I want to see him but it'll probably be the last time since i will not be able to control myself. Ok, i'm going!
He opens the door and his smile fills me up. I've never thought a smile could make me feel so protected. He looks so good with his sleeveless superman shirt and ha! There's the batman logo on the back! I'm such a nerd, this is really turning me on.
He kisses me and i know i wont be able to resist. At least i got to know what's what. So hard to word my thoughts in english. I mumble a bit but he gets my point. Not ready for a relationship? That's funny, i've never been ready for one in my life. Then we are going to take it slow and have fun? Oh, we'll have fun right now for sure. I need it anyway, release this stress that's eating me inside.
I don't want to fall in love for the first time with you! I might be able to control it. After this you will make it easier for me to do it. Keep you away from my heart cause you're a guy, you will do something stupid once the edge of having me is gone. I know it as a fact!
Well, he said he was nice, at least a part of him is. I wish we'd become friends, oh, how i need a friend.
The thrill is gone! The butterflies are dead!
You'll never know the future like i did. You'll never get to feel what i could have felt for you. I've been keeping to myself my whole life waiting for a chance like this. I've never loved someone because i only want to love once. It could have been you, my blue eyes dream!
I've done peace with this. You'll never see me cause you don't want to see anything right now. Still i know hope and i know i cant really crush it in a second.
 Tomorrow is another day!

Starts with a dream...

When you are young you don't know anything about life. When you're a teenager it's even worse.
So there was me, a sweet naive 16 years old with hopes and dreams of happy ever after. A happy girl with nothing to hide, still a little child at heart, not broken by the future that came soon after. No worries and no fears, just smiles and laughter. If only she had known what was to come...
The girl i barely remember now dreamt of the one, she used to try and picture perfect every little detail with drops of pink. She used to hold a diary of all the small wishes she had. Oh, how i wish to get her back!
It was a summer night. A quiet one. Vacation. She fell asleep early and started dreaming like she did the nights before.
And still this night was different. The hot air took her to a white beach with blue waters. Lay down on the sand looking at the sky and she enjoyed the breeze, so lovely dream, one when you know youre dreaming.
The voice that called her was unknown, and still he called her like he wasnt a stranger. She got up and looked at the ocean. He was waving and calling her in. She realised she knew him, he was her one and only! She run torwards him and jumped into the water. They reached each other soon and their hands met. So familiar so perfect. She couldnt see anything but his eyes, his face was blurry still, like the salted water was making her view unclear. But the eyes...their blue shade showed her time itself with past, present and future.. the look in them: so full of every promise in the world. The way she felt being under his stare was more then heaven...compared to that one would call heaven hell. He took her in his arms and kiss her forhead, the waves keeping them above water. The girl raised her head, him looking down on her and she leaned for a perfect kiss. Their lips were close when she woke up suddenly looking thru the room in search for sand and water. He was gone but he would never be forgotten...

Remember me?

This is the torment of falling for someone. Or maybe of developing a crush if falling is too much to say. Monday came he wouldn't drop a word. I did and at least he answers. Then Tuesday followed and still nothing of his own. And still the phone buzzed and my heart skipped a beat and still it wasnt him. I couldnt help myself so i took the initiative  again and this time asked him out for Thursday, he said yes and yeeey!!
 On Wednesday nothing... the empty beach felt lonely, me again with hope i sent a photo of the lovely day. I guess my dreams were that i'd be surprised.
Oh, please remember me!

Sun!

With a weather like this you can't stay in! One of the few days of sun and warmth since i came. He picked me up for a walk in Pheonix park. I did not know if i mentioned that was a place i really wanted to see and he remembered or if it was his choice but still... The park was closer then i thought and we got there fast.
I felt so calm and blissful walking thru those woods. I hadnt thought it was a natural park. The conversation flowed with small talk and little stories and i kept looking at his smile. We kissed again and the height difference did not help! My knees went soft and with me being on my toes i lost a bit my balance. Damn i couldnt think... now i wish i'd proposed for us to sit somewhere on the grass...
The only thing i can complain about is that we had to cut it short since he had dinner plans.
He dropped me home and i can't still really remember how i got inside. The rest of the day went on fast...with him on my mind...

I caught on fire!

I was nervous. Felt like my heart was going insane. Like always i arrived first and had to wait. Why do i keep doing that? At least Laura was on and i could talk to her. She calmed me a bit. The cigarette also helped.
The moment i looked at him was a deja vu. I've never met him, but i know him! I know his eyes, i've dreamed of them! They never had a face till now. It's so strange i had to breath deep so that i wouldnt start shivering. His smiley was even better, i wish i had dreamt bout that too. He was different then what i expected, taller, looked so young. We went in, he grabbed 2 drinks and took me upstairs where we sat down.
I was still nervous and filled with butterflies. Oh, i've missed the butterflies. It's been so long...
The conversation goes on as i keep relaxing. Helps that he's nice. He said he was, i could bet hes the wolf masked as a sheep. I got a chance to calm myself when he left for another drink and a bathroom break. I had to get some air, so i suggested to go out. I felt like going home. So we left Porters and walked a bit thru Temple bar. My feet were killing me thankfully the pain was distracting. Still he walked too fast so i grabbed his arm to lean on him a bit. And then, for us to sneak thru the crowd he went ahead and my hand slipped along his arm and our hands met. That's how memories are made. That was a moment standing still in time. It froze for me so that i could remember...
i couldnt shake the feeling i had to run home and still he took us to Soder&Co. We got a table and he went for drinks. Took forever, i couldnt believe i got so paranoid that i would imagine him gone and leaving me there. I liked the place, my energy dropped low and i couldnt think so that was good. We talked for an hour or so and he noticed my tiredness and proposed for us to leave. "You can't go home without a kiss!" What?? I thought my ears were dreaming already...he repeated his question. Was like a reflex: i stood up fast and sat next to him and we kissed. So eager at first, like we havent seen each other in a while...